my desire to exist is at one of my lowest points. im too much of a pussy to do anything, thats why i continue living in this hell ive created. i wonder so often what could have been and stop myself every time because i know its not healthy. i live so much in my own head that i cant distinguish from reality. i have depression. i do not know why. i get delusions of my friends wanting to harm me or take advantage of me. from having had manipulators and sociopaths in every friend group. i ignore and yet it lingers in my mind. i try to exist and the only thing im met with is misery on every path. bad thing after bad thing after bad thing. i care for people that dont care about me, i forgive way too easily. im too nice for my own good and yet i cannot cross out people from my life that shouldnt be in it. that dont even deserve it. every fucking day is just a loading screen for sleep. i just want to sleep. im exhausted from nothing and its embarrassing. i think im doing okay and then something has to always come up.