it hurts so much to realize how deeply this shame people have conditioned me to feel, if i as much as think of being a girl is engrained into me. it's like a shock collar that fires any time i use she for myself or actually apply any femenine social norms to myself. i can't as much as say "i am a girl" out loud without drowning in shame and disgust with myself and it hurts so much. why is it so hard to prove even to myself that i am i girl. it feels like i don't deserve it. ;-;
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