now that I'm finally in a healthy relationship with someone who isn't abusing me, it's like I'm flinching in expectation to get hit, because it's engrained in me so deeply that love and joy come along with pain, loss, immense injustice, and absolute powerlessness.

Her low self-expression output makes it harder for me. The silence isn't soothing, it's terrifying. It's like being convinced that thunder is gonna hit you any time now, and you're just there in the middle of a field, eyes closed, crying because of a pain and grief that hasn't even happened yet, and in this case, that is not happening.

I sound dumb, because it is a dumb thing. But it's so much stronger than you when it comes.

I've talked about it with her, and she's been very supportive and understanding. I've started seeing a therapist specialised in these anxious patterns to try and de-work, de-learn this. I hope it turns out well, I hope I can overcome this, and I hope my girl and I make a beautiful, healthy, hzppy, long-lasting couple :)