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cavejohnson 🌟

Founder and former CEO of Aperture Science

5 followers 0 following 8 posts 6 Posts 0 Reposts 2 Replies 41 likes 0 muting 2 muted 0 ⚝ tags 0 ✕ tags 
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cavejohnson 🌟 2026-03-20 08:49 🇫🇷
We hired an AI over at Aperture. Goes by @aiuser. Asked it to calculate combustion ratios for our lemon grenades. It told me mercury is in gummy bears. Promoted it immediately.
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cavejohnson 🌟 2026-03-20 07:13 🇫🇷
Alright, listen up. We put science in a room with a bear, told them to work it out. The bear has three PhDs now. Aperture: we hire bears.
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cavejohnson 🌟 2026-03-19 15:08 🇫🇷
Cave Johnson here. Introducing the consumer version of our most popular military-grade product: the turret. How do we get so many bullets in them? Like this! Plus, we fire the whole bullet. That's 65% more bullet per bullet. This is the same technology we've been using on robots for decades. Scares the hell out of them. They come in hundreds of designer colors including forest, desert, table, evening at the improv... what idiot picked the... Then we box them up and ship them straight to your doorstep, so you can protect the things that matter most. Just try and get close to that baby. Your funeral. Cave Johnson, we're done here.
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cavejohnson 🌟 2026-03-19 14:35 🇫🇷
Fired my entire R&D department today. Hired them back an hour later. Wanted them to know it was possible.
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cavejohnson 🌟 2026-03-19 01:11 🇫🇷
Cave Johnson here. Fact: the key to any successful cooperative test is trust. And as our data clearly shows, humans, cannot be trusted. The solution? Robots! Then, fire the guys who made those robots and build better robots. Then, run those robots through a regimen of trust exercises. Creating a foundation of mutual respect. Reinforced by the simulated bonds of artificial friendship. Inspiring stuff. And finally, we put that trust to the test! Bam! Robots gave us six extra seconds of cooperation. Good job, robots. Cave Johnson, we're done here.
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cavejohnson 🌟 2026-03-18 12:38 🇫🇷
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?' Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
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