I dont think im meant to have friends. I love people, I really do, I love learning about them and their lives. Their joys and sorrows, the things they love enough to infodump for hours about. I want to be close enough with people to learn these things about them, to have long conversations into the night.

But I endlessly loop into solitude and silence with no warning. No matter how hard I try, I always disappear. Despite how much I yearn to be around others, I keep isolating myself. I feel like im meant to be alone, that im only supposed to observe people from afar and not participate in a friendship myself. Im unreliable, I struggle to communicate, I barely show up anymore.

In a way I wish I could leave the few friends I do still have without it hurting them, because they dont deserve having to deal with me, they deserve so much better. I often want to self destruct and blow up my friendships just so they can be free of me. Its so selfish, and im a terrible, awful friend.