This sounds like the clash of many mechanisms within your mind. You desperately need to be loved like everyone on earth and to be loved you have to be known for who you are, which means you really want to tell them. On the other hand, people have rejected, abandoned or discarded you when you've opened up to them and this uncertainty that this very much may happen again is terrifying to all of us. the one thing that frees us of this paralysis is embracing the very universal fact that we will only ever want people in our lives who have the capacity to love us for who we are, therefore the best way to optimize your chances of being loved is try to act as and express yourself as much as you can in every way possible, as it allows for your personality to breathe, it lets you explore your identity in relationships AND VERY IMPORTANTLY it filters out the people who dont have the emotional maturity to love you for who you are. BEST OF LUCK SISTER <333