Coding's fucking epic. Egregious closet case irl, he/they would be grand on here though if y'all don't mind. Wildly ace, so please don't flirt with me if that's ok :) Kinda shit at ASCII art but might as well practice here. i am an adult
The last child who called me mother I failed to prevent from going back to a warzone. I was 15 at the time, I was old enough to keep things calm and like home enough for him, qnd force my family to be calm and treat him right like how I could keep them calm by moulding myself into what was necessary. I fail constantly in all of my duties, but that's gotta be my grratest one.
I'm starting to worry that the mild concussion a few months back, caused by getting clipped in the head by a bus mirror, may have given me some form of mild permanent brain damage. Everything's been wrong and off since. My depression has gotten completely unmanageable and badly destructive.
Fuck I need someone to bully me into checking the work chat because I've been sick and having a bit of a mental breakdown for 2 weeks (work hasn't started up again yet but it will v soon) and I have so much shit to take care offffff fuckkkk I'm a mistake against god lol
#vent, pls avoid if you are having a bad day. I hope your days have been alright :)
Every day I am stuck in my head, forcibly replaying the things that have happened, the things that will happen if I fuck up, the ways they could try to kill me (maybe again, if *that* incident counted). It bleeds into the real world, it stains the walls, I can't scrub it free. I'm in a fucky little groundhog day - the future is meaningless and nothing I can do could budge it.
I wish I was one of the flying foxes that flits over the city's amber sky. They are free. I am chained to a life with no future by familial obligations. I am just an extension of the family name, a cancerous tumour, not a person.
Even if I was fully human, leaving in these conditions would be a travesty, what with academics discussing to what extent the war my sister, my nephew, my extended family are living through is fucked, whether certain actions taken against half of my ethnic background by the other half of my ethnic background, the half I was raised was actually important and not a backwards mire, could count as genocidal. We the diaspora must now stick together; abandoning them or being queer would be viewed by them as a fucking abomination, I know from experience. I fear the family'll eventually pressure me into marriage to a dude I would be unable to love, and continue the family line.
Sometimes I dream of our old, stupid plan to flee to Paris and build a life with her. We haven't talked in eons.
So I was browsing old soviet properties but on ice because I remembered a scene in one where, in an amateur production of the three musketeers musical on ice, a bunch of nuns skate in a dim auditorium over a song about how they want to date soldiers and experience wordly things. While looking for that, turns out there was a professional russian 2012 on ice adaptation of the musical, complete with backflips and horses??? If anyone knows where I could find that I would love to know, subs aren't necessary (my family's from ukraine so I speak russian)
I hate wanting to get myself a nice snack to be happy, and instead of sticking to the routine that makes you happy, trying something new, only for the something new to be grey, tasteless sludge, despite claiming to be pistachio icecream.
How do you cope with that permeating sense of dissatisfaction that comes pre-installed with life? The feeling that your body is off, your thought processes are off, that everything is hollow and meaningless because you aren't doing well enough? Achievements only elate for 5 minutes and then bring constant, unyielding shame that you could and should be even better, even if you're nipping at the heels of the best or are the best in a category?
Friendships feel empty, even if they're close, and nothing actually makes you happy. You wake up and go to bed running on guilt and obligation, not joy or any feelings of want. Anything you do like gets tainted with guilt and shame and dissatisfaction immediately. Colours feel muted, and things don't feel real.
i feel mildly guilty because our lecturer keeps stressing how much we need to watch the online lectures week-by-week and i immediately didn't because i got a concussion by getting bonked in the head a bit by a bus and was too ill to watch the lectures but like that's not a good enough reason lolll
<o> <o> - does the cult accept women only or are brothers allowed . . (also, what have i missed? not feeling well and have only \_____/ 5 mins to spend on the site today so don't have \_^_/ time/energy to go hunting sadly :( )
I say this and immediately dip. I am no longer on holiday, I am very busy, will probs only see me once a week on my day allotted for breaks. Miss y'all! Stay sane please
I just fundamentally fear doctors/have an in-built "tank everything on your own" thing due to childhood shit (I've successfully walked off chemical burns, what was probably a seizure, and a broken thumb without medical treatment lol), and it's 10x worse when it comes to going to a therapist because of that and a lot of cultural/familial factors. I also can't tell if I'm feeling a little mentally slow still due to life stresses (my family members tried to go back to an active warzone in the country we're originally from for a holiday and a bunch of other shenanigans happened) or if the bus nay have fucked uo my intelligence permanently which woukd be bad given it's the only thing people irl give a shit about and that guarantees people don't hurt me lol
Along those lines. How do people remove the mass that sits in the pit of their stomach, that keeps whispering about your failures to prevent a child from going back to a warzone, for example?
I'm sorry for the late reply, I've been feeling a bit under the weather and haven't been online much.
That's all really fucked, I'm so sorry you're stuck in such a situation. I hope you have at least someone irl who is helping/being supportive in any way? I can't think of anything off the top of my head that could help - I don't interact with Aus's services or anything official mental health related often (for personal reasons I just try to hide the health issues and, when my minor psychotic episodes occur, just jerryrig solutions for them instead), and I know things are often very different state by state as well - but I could ask a friend of mine who has had issues of not being able to work due to her mental issues if you would like, to see if she maybe has any recommendations?
I just want to say that if you want to talk to people, people on here are supportive, we just want to help each other.
Honestly I'm happy it's at least obviously set out that it's an affiliated post, a few months back there was a point in time when the accounts for a few different companies (like youtube??) just posted on here a bunch. I think I vaguely remember someone getting the nintendo one to say something weird? Idk, it was a while back.
Do you want to talk about it? We're here to support/be there/listen if you want someone to talk to or just vent. (I'm being genuine, so sorry if it doesn't read that way)
Oh completely sane choice, I like blasting Звезда по имени Солнце/Zvesda Po Imeni Solntse when I go on walks, it's a good song for speedwalking and thinking